Public Service Announcement: The man on the right is not Michael Bay.

Though he has been posing as him for many years, recent evidence suggests that Michael Bay is really a 13-year-old boy who has hired the man on the right as his frontman.

Either that, or the guy on the right is Michael Bay and said man is really a 13-year-old boy who got a little frisky with a Zoltar machine on the Jersey shore.  Either way, that man is a 13-year-old boy.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.  I have a feeling that this may end up being a rant about Michael Bay, so I’m going to sum up the movie first to save some time.

Megan Fox is hot.  The Beef is charismatic.  Josh Duhamel is dreamy.  Transforming robots are cool.  Michael Bay is dumb.

Seriously; that should go on the cover of the DVD.  I hereby issue permission to Hasbro to use that blurb on any of their future Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen marketing materials.

The problem with this movie is that there should be no problem with this movie.  It has all of the ingredients of perfection — it should be the pinnacle of modern day big-budget action movie-making.

It has a male lead who is funny, lovable, and charismatic.  It has a female lead with a face who could launch far more than a 1000 ships.  It has transforming robots brought to life by some of the best CG the world has ever seen.

It is relevant to today’s interests with 80s freaks now making the money and technology being the center of our lives.  It has explosions, exotic locales, and the potential to be really funny.

But the problem is that it is helmed by a 13-year-old boy who still thinks that dogs humping is the funniest thing on earth.  I’m really quite surprised we didn’t see a few kicks to the groin, because that’s always good for a laugh as well.

Seriously, is there no one in Michael Bay’s editing room that has the cajones to stand up and say, “Um, Mr. Bay, don’t you think 3 dog-humping scenes it taking it a little too far?”

I can only assume that someone associated with the film has the good sense to voice that opinion, and then I can only imagine that through tears of laughter Mr. Bay dismissed the critique because he is Michael Bay and I’m pretty sure he has decided that he is God.

I’m going to give Orci and Kurtzman the benefit of the doubt, and assume that Michael Bay desecrated what was probably a reasonably serviceable script given the subject matter.  And I’m going to give Steven Spielberg the benefit of the doubt and assume that he was somehow out of contact with civilization when this film was being edited.

Lest you think that I’m just anti-dog-humping, I want to make it clear that it is not specifically the dog-humping that is the problem.  It is that an otherwise awesome movie is burdened by the non-funny site gags and gross humor, some of which borders on obscene and/or rascist.

I have defended Michael Bay in the past, and I think his body of work clearly has flashes of brilliance.  Even this movie has a few of those moments.  But overall, the movie feels like that instead of movie by comittee (which I may have preferred in this case), it is a movie brought to you by one man who is wildly out of touch with reality.

It makes a great GM commercial, and an even better PSA for the US Military, and after seeing Megan Fox stay hot through numerous desert explosions I’m sure they can sell her make-up by the ton.

The movie is cool.  It really is.  The robots are slick.  Optimus Prime still has that chilling authority, and Starscream and Megatron are more interesting this time around.

Omitted from the first one, it is inspired to see Soundwave re-imagined as a satellite, even able to shoot little animal transformers to earth.  It is the Soundwave for today’s technology, and I’m glad they didn’t try to fit a walkman into the film.

Some reviewers have complained about the robots being too plentiful to differentiate from each other, but I had no such problem.  I could keep the robots straight, but I was disappointed to see some of them receive so little screen time (Ratchet, Arcee) and others receive far too much (the Twins; and by too much I mean any screen time at all).

Ratchet was especially perplexing because I think they literally forgot him until about halfway through the movie.  Ironhide was given a fair amount of attention, but Ratchet would just show up from time to time, and he was often absent in shots that you would expect him to be in.

This franchise isn’t dead, but this wasn’t a step forward.  The next movie needs to get back to the characters.  We need to learn more about the Transformers that matter and less about the ones that don’t.  Also, John Turturro needs to be let go.  Sorry man, you’re not funny.

I’m really conflicted about this movie because there are a lot of great things about it, but it is ruined by Michael Bay’s immaturity and lack of editing.  I hope that Spielberg cracks the whip and reigns Bay in for the next outing or else this giant robot franchise is going to end up at the bottom of the Laurentian Abyss.

Verdict: D- Tilt: C+

So the movie watching this summer hasn’t been going to well.  I’ve been busy, and have thus missed some movies.  My desire to make up for lost time is diminished from some pretty lousy reviews for the likes of Terminator: Salvation and Land of the Lost.

But this weekend I took the opportunity to watch a week-early sneak peak of The Proposal starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds.

Wait.  Who’s Sandra Bullock?  Oh right — she’s that chick from Speed.  It’s been a while since we’ve seen Bullock in a movie that anyone has watched, but she’s back to her roots for this film.

I’m not usually shy about admitting my man crushes, so I won’t pull punches here.  I wanted to watch The Proposal primarily because Ryan Reynolds is one of the more charismatic actors to come around in some time.  He’s remarkably adept at being both comedic and serious at the same time.

The movie also has a great supporting cast in the likes of Coach Craig T. Nelson, Betty White, and Mary Steenburgen.  Oh yah, and that chick from Watchmen; not nearly as sexy here in normal clothing.

The Proposal is a romantic comedy.  There aren’t any explosions, none of the characters wear spandex, and the plot is about as predictable as 90-degree weather in Texas.  There’s nothing new in this movie, but there is something old.  And that is perhaps it’s greatest charm.

And by old I am not making a crack about Sandra Bullock’s age (though she is 12 years Reynolds’ senior).  Instead, I’m referring to the vibe of the film.  Hollywood has forgotten how to make simple films in the last few years, and it’s good to see one crop up that has that old-school romantic comedy vibe.

It has been said that there are a discrete set of stories in the world, and thus Hollywood will always struggle to be original.  But The Proposal proves that you don’t have to be original — you just have to be likable, witty, and full of charismatic characters.

Ryan Reynolds does an amazing job offering support to the other actors on screen.  Though he is by all rights as big of a draw to the movie as Sandra Bullock, he understands his role and provides support on screen rather than stealing screen time.

I was a bit wary about the age difference between the leads being unbelievable, but it doesn’t affect the film at all and one would be hard pressed to detect the difference.  Bullock looks possibly better than ever at 45, as she proudly shows in some not-quite-nude scenes (it is PG-13 afterall).

There’s a convoluted plot in there somehow about how Bullock is the demon boss from hell, and Ryan Reynolds is her lowly assistant.  There’s some family strife for Reynolds whose father would prefer him to take over the family business.  There’s some psychological scarring for Bullock’s character to overcome.

But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter.  What matters is that they fall in love and live happily ever after as any couple should.  There’s never really any suspense about that, but the journey is the prize.

The one area of suspense comes from the Immigration officer intent on proving that Reynolds’ and Bullock’s engagement is a sham.  Even by the end of the film, it’s not entirely clear whether Bullock is going to get deported or not.  The question is really whether she gets deported before true feelings can be revealed.

A special mention should go to Oscar Nuñez, who plays the local everyman for Reynolds’ hometown.  Although his role was light and unimportant, he gathered more laughs than he probably should have.

In fact, laughs were plentiful.  I don’t think I heard most of poor Mary Steenburgen’s lines because she always seemed to be the straight man to someone else’s jokes, though she does as well of a job as she ever has playing basically the same character she always does.

If you can take a break from explosions and Ferrell-style humor, The Proposal may be right up your alley.  It’s simple and low-budget compared to the costumed-vigilante set, but it’s fun and entertaining.  And isn’t that what movies are supposed to be about?

Verdict: B+ Tilt: A-

When they first announced the new Star Trek, I wasn’t enthused.  I felt sure it would be screwed up, and JJ Abrams has a pretty spotty record as far as I’m concerned.  Add that to the fact that Mr. Abrams was a professed Non-Trekker and I was a little nervous.

But when the news hit that they were moving Star Trek from a November release to a May summer tentpole release, I started to become intrigued.  I figured there must be something to the movie if Paramount felt that they could compete with supermutants and cyborgs.

The weekend finally arrived and as I sat there in the crowded theater, I realized that this was a pretty big event.  Sure, Hollywood has gone bonkers over reboots over the last few years, but this was Star Trek.  It’s practically a religion to millions of people.

And they pulled it off.  Star Trek is easily the best movie of this year, and even its successors this movie season are going to have a hard time matching its vigor.  Star Trek is the Iron Man of 2009.

I have written about time travel before on my blog so it should be come as no surprise to anyone for me to say that I absolutely hate time travel.  It almost always creates more problems than it solves, and it’s nearly impossible to properly recover from.

But I realized as I watched Star Trek that what I really hate is Back To The Future style time travel.  This concept of going back and changing the present is an impossible scenario that is bound to lead to disaster.

This Star Trek embraces a broader (and potentially more scientifically viable) approach to time travel that supports the position that there are an infinite number of timelines, all co-exisiting.  Time Travel by these means isn’t so much time traveling as it is timeline jumping.

It is the crux of this approach to time travel that makes Star Trek possible.  It is the macguffin that makes it easy to dismiss all of the inconsistencies with the original series, and the trick that makes this movie the first true reboot we’ve ever gotten.

Star Trek doesn’t destroy 40 years of Star Trek; it validates it.  While we were watching Kirk and Spock galavant around on their five-year mission, there was a different Kirk and Spock who had a completely different world to deal with.  One where Spock had even more issues to suppress, and Kirk had cause to be just a little bit crazier.

This movie so perfectly captures the spirit of Star Trek that the viewer spends almost no time pondering the differences.  It is folly to do so because the script dares you to argue with it.  It is a self-aware script that deals with inconsistencies before the viewer can even assess their impact.

But where they don’t fool you with script, they do so with acting.  The cast they have assembled to fill these classic roles is absolutely amazing.  I did not think it possible to get a set of actors who so perfectly could match their predecessors.

Although I expected to like Zachary Quinto as Spock the most, I ended up being far more impressed with Chris Pine.  He embodied Kirk without being a parody which was a tall order considering the original Kirk himself was nearly a parody.

The Kirk in this universe is a little more brazon, a little more cocky (if you can believe it), and a touch crazier.  While we always knew Kirk to be a tad on the impetuous side, this new Kirk is downright bat-crazy at some points.  He was written with a an almost Jack Sparrowesque appeal — crazy but in control; unstable but reliable.

And our new Spock isn’t quite like the old, either.  His emotions aren’t buried quite as deep, making him seem to favor his human side more than his Vulcan.  Although a departure from the original Spock, the more apparent war between his halves was an interesting addition to the film.

In fact, we see his feuding halves become the very reason that he cannot accomplish what Kirk can.  While Kirk embraces his humanity, Spock’s inability to embrace either side makes him almost a liability to the Enterprise.  This gets at the heart of the original series and makes you feel Star Trek all over again.

The writers did not hesitate to cram in all of the references they could.  If there was a catch-phrase you loved from the original series, it’s practically a guarantee that you’ll find it in this film.  From “I’m a doctor…” to “I’m givin’ her all she’s got.”, they’re all here.

Rather than take itself as the successor of a devout group of movies, Star Trek embraces the fun of the original — it was called Wagon Train to the stars for a reason.  I don’t even think Gene Roddenberry himself meant for it to carry much gravitas.

It was through this infectious approach that he was able to tackle weighty topics without being judged.  He could have interracial kisses and soviet dissertations with a wink and a smile.  It wasn’t real afterall.  It was all just science fiction make believe.

Though this movie doesn’t tackle any particularly weighty issue, what it does do is capture the essence of Star Trek.  With superb acting, a surprisingly self-aware script, and a serviceable story that opens the doors wide for a whole new Trekverse, this movie couldn’t have done much more right.

Whether you are a Trekker of old, or someone who never quite ‘got it’, this film is for you.  You will likely either find yourself happily revisiting your inner Trekker, or discovering for the first time what Trek is really all about.  Either way, it’ll be a heck of a ride.

Verdict: A Tilt: A+

The time has finally arrived. I’ve traded in my Chuck reviews for movie reviews as I embark on a journey through US cinema over the next few months.

It all starts with X-Men Origins: Wolverine, aptly placed at the beginning of the summer.  The marketing guys at Fox certainly knew what they were doing, because I think this movie would have tanked had it been surrounded by more able blockbusters.

I’m not saying that Wolverine is bad, but I’m not saying it’s good either.  It sort of hovers in the middle between mediocrity and greatness, mostly hampered by a poorly put together plot and downright lousy fight choreography.

The one thing that Wolvie does have going for it, however, is the casting.  Every character is well-cast and plays their part to the best of their ability.

I’ve always been a fan of Liev Schreiber and he doesn’t disappoint as Sabretooth.  The biggest distraction from his character is actually recollection of X-Men’s Tyler Mane.  It’s hard to imagine this sleeker Sabretooth turning into the idiotic cat-man from that movie.

Hugh Jackman, of course, embodies the adamantium-laced superhero better than probably anyone could have imagined.  His 10 years experience of being Wolverine certainly come into play as he keeps the character mostly consistent with the previous incarnations.

I don’t know that much about Deadpool, but as I understand it he’s pretty screwed up in this movie.  Before the changes to his dna, Ryan Reynolds plays what is probably the most entertaining character in the movie.  Sadly, Wade Wilson is only in the movie for a matter of minutes before being forgotten.

By the time he returns he is no longer anything impressive, other than a chance for the movie to finally show off a little bit of choreography by ripping off the Nightcrawler fight scenes from X-Men United and far too many similarities to the Darth Maul fight in Star Wars: Episode 1.

Despite it’s good casting and acting, that’s what Wolverine really boils down to.  It is an uninspired recreation of a well-known story with very little to grab the imagination of the viewer.

The fight scenes are mostly horrible.  Wolverine and Sabretooth fight multiple times throughout the film, but every fight feels exactly the same.  I guess there’s only so much you can do with two nigh-indestructible blokes with nothing but claws for defense.

Things get spiced up a little bit with the addition of Gambit, but the character is so forcefully jarred into the story that it’s hard to really take him seriously.  He seems to show up at completely random times, none of which actually serve any purpose but to milk the character.

That alone is a sad thing, because Gambit deserves far better than he got in this script.  Fox has now squandered what is arguably the second most beloved X-Men character on a throw-away origin story.  Though we may see Gambit again in a future Wolverine movie, I fear that too much damage has been done to his character to salvage it.

Wolverine went out of its way to make sure that it kept consistent with the existing X-Men universe.  Though this sometimes seemed forced into the film, I did appreciate the effort.  There’s even a surprise cameo in the movie that leads nicely into what we already know of the universe.

As the previews have revealed, Cyclops is in the movie which had me wondering exactly how Cyclops would meet Wolverine for the “first time” in the later X-Men, but a cute little plot device managed to pull that off.  Sadly, it was these sorts of possibilities of how the movie affects the later films that had me pondering as I left the theater.

I often wait until Monday to write my reviews so I can let the movie age over days.  Oftentimes I will decide I like a movie more as the days pass, but in this case I like Wolverine less and less.  Some say it is better than X-Men 3 but I disagree — at least X-Men 3 knew what it was and didn’t get lost in its own story.

I can’t advise skipping this movie.  It is a nice return to the X-Men movie universe, and the few cool moments you’ll get are probably worth the price of admission.  It is well-acted, and for that I have to begrudgingly recommend seeing it.

If you’re not an X-Men fan, though, you can definitely wait until the blu ray or even television — if ever.

Verdict: C+ Tilt: D+

Who watches the Watchmen?  Apparently a lot of ultra-conservative crazies.  The violence, sex, and gore have been vastly overblown in reviews of this movie.

I have read some ridiculous things about this movie.  I’ve seen reviews claiming midget drowning, fetus killing, and graphic rape.  All three are irresponsible exaggerations of what actually goes on in this movie.

I’m not saying that this movie is for children, but it’s hardly so disturbing that you need to worry about your eternal salvation after watching it.  Every heinous act in the movie is important to character development; and in my book, that makes it ok.

I’m a Watchmen nub.  I’ve never read the comics, and what little I knew about the film going into it was from previews, trailers, and reviews.

I can see how fans of the comic book might be disappointed.  I can only imagine that many of themes were more poignant and better conveyed.  I also imagine that waiting for each issue made the whole experience different.

But knowing nothing about the Watchmen universe, I found this movie to be absolutely amazing.  It had some technical flaws, but its story was thought-provoking and well constructed.

The acting was better than I expected, as all of the Watchmen turn in believable performances — which is no small task given the complexities of most of the characters.

I was especially impressed with the subtlety with which they conveyed Dr. Manhattan’s falling away from mankind.  The concept, to me at least, was revolutionary.  Why would an all powerful being care about humans at all?  He has transcended the ‘human condition’ as it were.

I also liked the love triangle between Nite Owl, Silk Spectre and Dr. Manhattan.  It worked; I was never mad at Silk Spectre for her decisions; because it made sense.  How was she to be with a man who was more or less a deity; and how was Nite Owl to compete with the same?

The character who really stole the show for me, though, was Rorschach.  I feel that he was the lens through which the entire dystopia of the Watchmen universe is seen.  Can you be both a superhero and sane?  Rorschach proves that it’s just not really possible.

Jackie Earle Haley deserves a lot of credit for bringing Rorschach to life.  Other than a few scenes in prison, Rorschach’s face is completely obscured, yet Haley brought remarkable humanity to the character.  It was an impressive feat.

The Comedian was also a well constructed character; both a hero and a villain at the same time.  But Watchmen builds its case on that argument — superheroes cannot be normal.  The Comedian is no exception, and though he performs some heinous acts in the movie, it’s hard not to like and sympathize with him.

The only issues I had with Watchmen were technical.  The movie runs a bit long, and the editing was done in a way that made you feel like you were reading a comic book.  There was a 20 minute flashback of Dr. Manhattan’s story that slowed down the pace of the movie.

I’m sure when it was published, there was a whole issue about Dr. Manhattan but in a movie such things need to be more masterfully constructed.  A flashback should not be so long that you nearly forget what’s going on in the main plot.

But that’s just picking nits.  Overall, Watchmen is an excellent film and I recommend it for anyone who can stomach the darker universe that it inhabits.  There are blood and themes that are not particularly comfortable to watch.  But those themes are a poignant and worthwhile reflection of society.

Verdict: A- Tilt: A+